Energy Drink Review: Monster Ultra Red

To be honest, I’m not sure what the Ultra refers to in this drink’s name. If the colour of the can, then I don’t see it. If the colour of the drink itself, I don’t see that either, but that’s because it goes from can, straight into my mouth.

NO THINKING ABOUT. THIS IS AN ENERGY DRINK! 

Does Ultra Red have what plants crave? I don’t know. I will never know. I am not willing to experiment in that way.

screen-shot-2016-10-25-at-7-03-47-pmZERO SUGAR. 100% ASSPARTAME FREE! 

For the record, there is nothing tame about aspartame. Unless, you figure the plasticky taste for being tame, then I will concede to that point. However, Monster has decided to go with Sucralose and Acesulfame Potassium instead of Asspartame. This is a plus in my books right off the bat.

RED, BECAUSE CRANBERRY.

Oh really? I like cranberry juice. This stuff is mildly reminiscent of cranberrry.

DID YOU SAY MILDLY? HOW DARE YOU.

Yes, I said mildly. I also said zero sugar, which splendaironically, this stuff does not taste like thanks to the use of Sucralose (aka Splenda). That makes it a god-send for the most part, because asspartame is awful. I rather lick freshly formed (and cooled) plastic.

And as far as I’m concerned, if Splenda is good enough for putting in my coffee, when I decide to have some; then it is good enough for an alternative source of food-grade stimulants.

IT’S GOT TAURINE, GUARANA AND CAFFEINE, AND OTHER THINGS THAT I CANNOT PRONOUNCE BUT ASSUME THAT ARE FEASIBLY GOOD.

What, like Pyroxidine hydrochloride? or Niacinamide?

hohoohYES!

Those are vitamins.

THAT JUST MAKES IT EVEN BETTER.

Who are you anyway?

I AM YOU, BUT NOT YOU, BECAUSE I AM ME.

Okay, you need to be quiet now. Wait, you’re not going to do this each time I review another energy drink, are you?

IT IS VERY POSSIBLE. CONSIDER ME A GUEST BLOGGER AND/OR CO-AUTHOR OF THESE POSTS.

 

Oh… ummm… I’m not sure I’m going to like this.

OH SHUT UP. IT’LL BE HILARIOUS.

Monster Ultra Red everybody! It may or may not have what plants crave. What it does have is a decent taste, a good amount of energy-burning ingredients and possibly an increased chance of loud, obnoxious internal monologue.

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